MARMELODIAN: Blog/Diary

I WATCH YOU FROM A DISTANCE

iN THE DISTANCE i STAND

WHEN YOU TURN YOU DON'T NOTICE

OR CARE WHO I AM

WHEN YOU SCAN YOUR SURROUNDINGS

YOUR EYES LOOK PAST ME

TO YOU I'M A FIXTURE

JUST A PART OF THE SCENE

When I wrote, recorded and published my song "Distance," a Facebook friend messaged me urgently: "Oh Martha, I'm sorry, what happened?" I hurriedly posted a comment on my own page to reassure her and everyone else that those broken hearted lyrics were not a reflection, thank God, of my present life. But when I was a girl, they were too often true and I still remember how much it hurt to be young and feel invisible.

Back then, my sense of invisibility was SO painful. It usually manifested as having a crush on a boy who never noticed I existed. Or wishing I could be one of the girls in the 'in crowd.' Or that the boy I dated briefly in college would stop calling me Margaret (his old girlfriend's name) but actually see ME and remember my name was 'Martha.'

Now, however, I cultivate and ENJOY a certain invisibility. Let's be frank: few strangers take notice of a 58 year old woman....or man, for that matter. My age lends me a cloak of invisibility which I find comfortable. Who cares how I leave the house? No make up? Fine. Nobody at Kroger's looks at me anyway. Flip flops? Sure. Uh oh, just noticed my tie dyed dress is inside out....oh well, se la vie. No big deal because guess what! I'm invisible! Yes, invisibility allows me to feel completely comfortable and free in my own eccentric skin.

When I was young, I was a slave to the mirror. Not anymore. I don't need to preen in front of a mirror trying to make myself ATTRACTIVE. I'm not trying to ATTRACT anyone! I prefer invisibility and happily exist, without intruders, in my own little world. Sometimes I'm an unnoticed observer. Sometimes I'm completely absorbed in my own thoughts (mentally chewing on a lyrical or musical puzzle) and oblivious to my surroundings. Fully present or not, it's my choice, I only come out to play when and with whom I want.

When I was young, I never would have believed that I would cultivate invisibility. The wisdom of Popeye ('I yam what I yam!') was lost on me back then.

Me too, Popeye, I yam what I yam. At age 58, I 'yam' invisible most of the time and I'll take it!

And yet, I still remember how much it hurt to be young and feel invisible. I'm glad I remember. That old stab of pain helps me have a sympathetic and tender heart. My song "Distance" comes from that old sad place, but writing about it allows me to create something beautiful from what was ugly. Sort of like Rumpelstiltskin spinning straw into gold. That's one of the gifts, I think, of getting older. It gets easier to spin straw into gold. I wonder, could that be why old age is called 'The Golden Years?"

"Distance" is at the top of my music page.  You can download it on my Digital Downloads page in the Reverbnation section.

Be well and good luck. Martha Maria (recording as MarMelodian)